Worth Waiting For

Yes, I am still here. I can't believe that I haven't posted a single thing over here for almost 3 weeks! The last couple of weeks have been quite busy for us, and during times like that blogging gets put on the back burner. Anyway, it's good to be back!

I've been thinking over the past few days about what I wanted to post about today. I had a couple of various ideas mulling around in my head, but last night after the sermon we heard in church, I had a better idea.

Last night, my dad (our pastor) preached a sermon entitled "Disciplines for Finding your Covenant Companion", in which he shared some thoughts for young men and women, and their parents, concerning some disciplines presented in the Bible for guidance through the area of seeking or waiting for a marriage partner.

After the sermon topic was announced last night, my mind wandered for just a moment back 10 or 12 years, to a time when I was a teenage girl, hopefully and eagerly waiting for the time when I would find "my Isaac", a godly man to be my husband. I thought about how I would have felt as a young girl, hearing such a sermon. My ears would have perked up. I would have sat straighter in my seat. I would have excitedly been drinking it all in, lingering on every word. I remembered how I used to love hearing sermons like that, or talking to married ladies about marriage. Somehow it seemed that talking about it and learning about it brought me closer to my dream of marriage, in some way.

So last night as I thought back to my teenage waiting years, I realized that perhaps I could share some thoughts for any young ladies who may visit my little place here.

I wish I could share my story with you as a story of waiting upon God, heeding my parents' counsel, and seeing God's provision and reward of a godly husband. But I did not do things the right way. My story is one of rebellion, shame, and consequences. But thanks be to God, it is also a story of mercy and forgiveness.

God blessed me with godly, wise, loving parents who taught me God's truth from the time I was born. Specifically in the area of courtship and finding a marriage partner, they gave me wise counsel and I know they spent much time in prayer for me. As a teenager, I wanted to do things the right way. I prayed for wisdom and discernment as I waited for my Isaac. I prayed that God would give me the grace of total contentment in Him before He would give me a husband. My favorite verses at that time in my life were Psalm 73:25-28. I penned them in the front of my Bible when I was 18 or 19:

Whom have I in Heaven but Thee?

And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from Thee will perish;

Thou hast destroyed all those who are unfaithful to Thee.

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

That I may tell of all Thy works.

But sadly, my desire to please God in this area of my life was challenged by the evil one. Looking back, I think my spiritual declension started when I was in nursing school. I worked at a hospital, in the Emergency Department, during the time I was in school. I enjoyed every second in the ER: its fast pace was exhilarating to me. I learned so much each day I worked there, and I let my growing medical knowledge crowd out my time with God. I spent every waking moment Monday through Saturday either working in the ER, sitting in class, or studying. Any efforts I made to have devotions or prayer were superficial and rushed. The sad part is that I knew I was slipping. I even knew why I was slipping. The right thing for me to do would have been to talk to my parents about it and seek their counsel, and then probably to cut way back on the time I spent working. But instead of this, I suppressed my conscience. I threw myself even harder into my work and school, and neglected to spend time with my family. My dear parents tried to help. I remember them coming to me many, many times to speak to me about my lack of presence in our home, and about my spiritual decline. But I hardened my heart and refused to listen to them. Oh, how this breaks my heart to think about now.

So you see that I became very deconditioned in my spiritual life. I do believe that I was truly a child of God, and that makes my sin even worse. A couple of years later, I was still working in the same ER, only now as a nurse. School was over, but I immersed myself in work. I avoided my family and I avoided God. My conscience was still being suppressed. My walk with God was in a pitiful state of disarray, and the enemy was gaining quite a hold on me.

And then I met a guy.

His name was Mark, and he is now my wonderful, godly, spiritual leader of a husband. God has been so good. But our story hasn't always been this wonderful.

Mark started working in the ER as a technician shortly after I graduated nursing school. We both worked the same shift, and frequently would end up taking our breaks at the same time. Sooner or later, we realized we enjoyed each other's company. Then one day he asked me if we could "go out". I told him he would need to come to church with me, and meet my family. He agreed, and I foolishly took that as a "sign" that this was from the Lord, although in my heart of hearts I knew perfectly well that this was not right. So he came to church, and met my family. A couple of weeks later, my dear father came to me and lovingly expressed grave concern about my relationship with Mark. In my rebellious state, this did not go over very well with me. I battled with my parents for several months, before ultimately deciding that I was tired of all their restrictions, opinions, and rules; and I told them I was moving out. This was a brazenly rebellious act on my part, and I regret it very deeply.

And so I found a little apartment, and I moved out of my parents' home. I thought that when I moved out on my own, I would enjoy such freedom and be able to live any way I wanted to. I wanted to be able to spend time with Mark without having my family in close proximity. But I soon found that my new-found "freedom" also came with a hefty dose of guilt. I know that my family prayed and fought for me fiercely, and it is because of those prayers that every single night in that apartment, I was paralyzed by fear and could not sleep well at all. Great spiritual warfare was taking place on my account.

Exactly one year later, Mark and I were married. Even thinking about our wedding brings me grief. We did not involve my parents in our wedding plans, and, most heinously, we did not ask my pastor-dad to perform the ceremony (oh, how I wish I could go back and change that!). But my parents and siblings were so gracious. They smiled with us on our big day, even though I can't even imagine the depths of pain they were experiencing in their hearts. I know our wedding day was not what my parents had hoped and prayed for, for so many years.

The first year of our marriage pains me to think back to. I worked full-time, and Mark had started school. We did not have the Biblical view of marriage, male headship and female submission, and it is safe to say that our marriage was not in any kind of position to receive God's blessing. We viewed ourselves as a "team". I did not fulfill my God-given responsibilities in respecting or helping my husband and taking care of our home. We ate dinner in front of the TV almost every night, and the only praying we did together was brief prayers before meals. I don't remember either of us having very meaningful devotional lives.

We were headed down the slippery slope of destruction. But praise be to God, He did not stop hounding me. As hard as I tried to suppress my conscience, He let me feel the pricks of conviction. How I praise Him that He did not give me over to my sinful lifestyle. He used several events in my life to make me "wake up" and realize that I was in grave danger. One of the things He used was the beautiful Christian wedding of my dear friend whom some of you may know as Mrs. S. As I sat between my husband and my mother in the pew at that wedding, I fought back hot tears of guilt and conviction. "This is what I wanted," my heart cried, "a godly wedding in which Christ was proclaimed and His design for marriage held in highest honor." (Mrs. S-- I actually don't think I ever told you this before! I'm sorry!)

From that day on, I began to seek God's face. I started afresh with my devotions. I read Elizabeth George's book Beautiful in God's Eyes, another instrument God used to bring me back to where I needed to be, by convicting me of what I needed to change in my role as a wife. Several months later, God used another situation in our lives to lead me to finally go to my parents and ask their forgiveness. They ran to meet me with open arms, as the father of the prodigal son. They readily forgave me all the pain and hurt and anguish I caused them.

God brought me to my senses before He brought any visible fruit in my husband's life, though; and for a short time, I was faced with the reality that I was unequally yoked and may have to live the rest of my life that way. I sought the Lord day after day, pleading with Him for my husband's growth in grace. And mercifully, He heard me. He did more than I ever could have asked or imagined. He gave my husband a new heart and an insatiable hunger for God's Word, as well as deep insight into the Scriptures. God answered my prayers and led us back to my church family, the church I grew up in, where my father is the pastor. Our church family welcomed us back with open arms as well. Over the past 2 years or so, the Lord has done so many awesome things in our lives. My husband now embraces his God-given position as spiritual leader, and I as submissive helpmeet. We seek the Lord privately each morning and together each evening, as we read His Word and pray together. Contemplating the free forgiveness extended to us by our merciful Savior, my family, and our church brings me to tears. God has been so, so good to us.

So that is my story. I am sorry that it is a little wordy, but I shared that with you because it has been my prayer for some time that God would use my story to help some young lady who may be struggling, and maybe to save her from the grave dangers of the sins I succumbed to.

In particular, there are several things I would like to say to young ladies, based on this experience in my life:

• Use your teenage years wisely. Don't waste them in longing and dreaming about the future. Jim Eliot wrote, in a letter to his future wife Elisabeth, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." Think about that, for a while. Don't let yourself be paralyzed with longing. Live your life. I don't believe there is anything sinful about a young woman thinking ahead to her future and desiring to someday have a godly husband, but letting those desires consume you and crowd out your desire for Christ is wrong. It's hard being a teenager-- I remember. But these years in your life can be so filled with blessing if you use them wisely. First and foremost, purpose to seek the Lord with all of your heart. Feast on His Word: commit it to memory, live and breathe it. You do not know what God has in store for you later in life, so use this time of waiting and quiet in your life to fortify yourself. Secondly, read good books. There is a wealth of good reading out there for young Christian girls: books on cultivating godly feminine graces, learning to keep a home, preparing for marriage, and navigating the uncertainties of courtship. But I would also caution you not to exclusively read books about preparing for marriage. As good as many of these books are, I believe they can have a tendency to worsen that longing you may already be struggling with. You need to fill your mind with other things, too. Read other books that help you understand the Bible and that teach you more about God. Thirdly, use this time to learn all you can about home-keeping skills. Spend lots of time with your mother. You may think you've learned all you can from her by now, but I guarantee you there's more you can learn. When you finally do get married, you will be calling her on a regular basis for her good advice, I promise you. Soak in your parents' wisdom. Talk to them about your hopes, your dreams, your struggles. I kept many of these things from my parents, and that was very detrimental to me. I know there is so much wisdom they could have shared with me, if only I had let them. Sometimes it's hard, I know. You may feel that your parents don't understand, or that they will judge or think badly about you if you share your deepest feelings with them. But force yourself to conquer those fears. Your parents probably understand you a whole lot better than you may give them credit for: I know mine did. In short, use these years of waiting in your life to seek to become a woman whose worth is "far above jewels."
• Guard your heart. This phrase has many implications, but the one I want to bring out here is this: remember that Christ is your first love. Never, ever let your feelings for a member of the opposite sex, or your deep longing for such a relationship, take you away from your first love. Keep your finger on the pulse of your spiritual life. Examine your heart each day, and ask God to cleanse you of anything that might take even a little piece of your heart away from Him. This is a very vulnerable time in your life, and you must jealously guard your heart. When I was about 19, I felt myself slipping spiritually. But, as I mentioned above, I should have immediately gone to my parents and asked them for help. I guarantee that if I had done that, they would have worked with me to help me through it, and I may never have catapulted into such sin. I know this isn't easy, dear young ladies. I know it takes tremendous discipline to navigate these years of uncertainty in your lives. I remember how hard it was for me to talk to my parents. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh here; I just can't emphasize enough how important it is to do the right thing and not let even a small seed of discontent or rebellion take root in your heart: it can have disastrous consequences.
• Listen to your parents. If God has blessed you with godly parents, they will serve as God's voice to you. Now, I know that no parents are perfect, but if yours are striving to please God in all that they do, you just have to trust that they know what is best for you and that they are working toward your ultimate good. Maybe you think they're too strict, but their rules may save your life. Maybe you think they're old-fashioned, but our godless, immoral age is no standard by which to judge. Maybe you think they don't understand you, but I have a feeling they understand you much better than you give them credit for. If you don't agree with your parents, I challenge you to search the Scriptures for proof if you truly think they are telling you something that is against God's Word. If you can't find any, then chances are you are wrong and they are right. In that case, you need to humble yourself and ask God to help you obey your parents even if it is hard.
• Rebelling against your parents and going your own way isn't worth it. I'll say it again: moving out on my own to gain "freedom" from my parents was not worth it. I couldn't enjoy the freedom, because my conscience kept getting in the way. And once I came to my senses and repented, I was left with a heaping load of guilt, and the lifelong pain of knowing how deeply I wounded my family. That is a high price to pay for a little perceived "freedom", believe me. Mark and I do not have a story that we'll be proud to tell our children. I always loved hearing my dad tell guests the story of how he and my mom met and of their courtship and marriage. It is such a beautiful story. But there's no beauty in that part of our story: only shame and regret. My younger sister did things right. She waited on the Lord, she stayed close and accountable to our parents. Sure, she had many struggles with wondering if God had a husband for her in her future. But she patiently waited, and God blessed her, and now she and her new husband have a story they can joyfully tell their future children. Doing the right thing takes great discipline, but if you are striving to please God, He will always bless that. You may have to wait a long time to see that blessing, but He promises it will come. Waiting on God is always worth it.

Well, my friends, this post is too long and I need to get some other things done. I could go on for hours more about this, though, so maybe sometime I'll do a second installment on this subject. As I said before, I pray that God will use my experiences for good in some way, perhaps by helping other young women. I cannot go back and change my past, although sometimes I do so wish I could, but I can pray that God will bring some good out of it, perhaps by serving as a warning to other young people.

I hope you haven't perceived anything I've said as harsh. Be assured that everything I have said here, I have said out of love and out of deep concern for your soul. I do not want any precious soul to fall into the sins the Lord has delivered me from. If you've read this and you are having some of these struggles, I would love to pray for you. If you are one of the dear young ladies in our church, I am already praying for you. May God bless you as you wait on Him!

Ever lift Thy face upon me

As I work and wait for Thee;

Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,

Earth's dark shadows flee.

Brightness of my Father's glory,

Sunshine of my Father's face,

Keep me ever trusting, resting,

Fill me with Thy grace.

-- Jean Sophia Pigott