You Are His

To our precious fourth baby,

You have brought us joy-- so much joy, these past three weeks. From that evening when your daddy and I sat grinning at each other over plates of nachos, sharing our secret suspicions and then taking a test which confirmed those suspicions... through these happy weeks of loving you and dreaming about you.

We were worried about you in the very beginning, but those fears were replaced with unmitigated joy when, two weeks ago, we saw you for the first time on that ultrasound screen. Your little heart was beating away, and you were even a whole week older and bigger than we had expected!

Mama felt very joyful even during those nights when at 2 am or 4 am, she lay in bed nibbling on crackers, trying to make the nausea abate just a little so she could sleep. She was never happier than during those queasy nights, as she lay there thanking God for you, and rejoicing to know that you were thriving.

Again, we knew joy when, just over a week ago, we were able to peek in on you again, and saw that you had grown and were still very much alive. We were so encouraged, and really believed that the Lord was going to spare you to us.

It's been a wonderful, queasy, sleepy, foggy three weeks. We've prayed for you, thanked the Lord for you, dreamed about you, loved you, and looked forward to meeting you.

But then, on Friday evening, in an all-too-familiar sequence, all of those happy, hungry, nauseous feelings suddenly went away... and in their place, a silent foreboding crept in. We fear you have slipped away, precious one.

We have been praying so fervently on your behalf-- praying that our mighty and sovereign God would graciously spare your life. We pray that He will let your soul live, that you might praise Him. And we will not stop praying. But we've given you back, given you over into His hands. You are His: He created you, and He planned out every one of your days, and only He knows whether you are still alive. Our prayer for you has always been that you will be used mightily of God; we had hoped that He would use you in life, here on earth, but if you can bring Him more glory through your death, than so be it.

We have given you over to Him... but oh, how overjoyed we would be to receive you back again.

From hearts heavy with love,

your daddy and mama